80's / Dave Grohl / fired / foo fighters / George Thorogood / michael Anthony / music / nirvana / Rock music / rock music is dead / roth / satire / van halen


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Burbank, CA –

This has been one crazy week in the Van Halen camp. First guitar god Eddie Van Halen, gives a scathing interview to Billboard Magazine, about the lack of talent and work ethic of the past and current members of Van Halen.

The backlash was swift and fiery as fans of the band came to the defense of longtime bassist Michael Anthony.

"Sand in his vagina"

“Sand in his vagina”

Anthony, known for his bong-rattling bass and easy going demeanor, remained silent. But former Van Halen front man and singer, Sammy Hagar came back swinging with allegations that Eddie was a liar.

In an effort to minimize the damage to the Van Halen brand, Warner Brothers Records President Al McHumphry released the following statement.

In light of recent events concerning the Billboard Magazine interview. We have asked the powers that be in the Van Halen Band that they release Edward Van Halen from any further obligations, now and in the future when it comes to the Van Halen Franchise.

While we will miss Edward and his contribution to the success of Van Halen. We find his attitude “piss poor” and we have verifiable evidence of “sand in his vagina.” Has made him a liability to the band.

The Van Halen will be replacing Edward with adequate blues guitarist George Thorogood. And bassist Wolfgang Van Halen will be replaced with original bassist Michael Anthony. Alex Van Halen will remain with the group, as will current singer David Lee Roth.

We hope you will understand that douche-baggery will not be tolerated. We took it for granted that Roth was lying when he was fired. When Hagar left due to similar circumstances, we assumed it was a clash of egos. Michael Anthony is relatively harmless. We have narrowed it down to Edward who is the prick. So we have let him go.

Al McHumphry
Cock of the walk at Warner Brothers Records.

In a statement to CNN, Roth commented on the situation. “I was telling Alex….Alex man! Do you like that song Bad to the Bone? Yeah… I do too. So I made a few calls and finally reached George on his break. I said…. GT you can quit the job at Joan’s Wholesale Mattress Factory Outlet and come gig with the Van Halen! He’s showin’ Mikey how to play Bad to the Bone right now.

Come on down to Joan's Wholesale Mattress Outlet.  Name one other song by George Throrogood and get 15% off

Come on down to Joan’s Wholesale Mattress Factory Outlet. Name one other song by George Thorogood and get 15% off

Dave Grohl is upset for not being considered for the open guitarist spot.

Roth’s reply was “Dave Grohl, The Foos were yesterday’s news! People will pay to hear Van Halen play…With George Thorogood.

When asked what the new set lists will contain, Roth replied, “So far just Bad to the Bone. But Van Halen is like a party favor. Everyone loves a party favor!!!! BBBB BAD!

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