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ROTH is OUT! Alex Van Halen is Leaving the Band!

Friday, July 03, 2015

San Bernardino, CA

David Lee Roth

David Lee Roth ousted from the New Van Halen

What now? First Eddie Van Halen is fired. The latest and former front man David Lee Roth has been fired. Alex Van Halen has announced that he is leaving the band he and his brother formed.

In an exclusive interview with Warner Brothers CEO Al McHumphry, Grohl Magazine asked the inside scoop on what really happened

Grohl: Thank you for sitting down with us Al McHumphry. What the hell is going on with Van Halen?

Al McHumphry: I’m glad you asked Grohl Magazine. Eddie had to be let go because of the sand in his vagina. We hired adequate blues guitarist George Thorogood. We thought this would be the end of our problems.

It was just the beginning.

The way it was told to me by Van Halen roadie Bart Woodard. Eddie pulled up in his classic 78 Oldsmobile Omega to drop Wolfgang off at Van Halen practice. He parked in Roth’s parking spot. He left the car running and was running in to get his guitar tuner and cable because he had forgotten it in the rehearsal room.

Eddie picks it up and goes to get in his car, and I guess Roth had parked him in.

Al McHumphry CEO of Warner Brothers Records

Al McHumphry
CEO of Warner Brothers Records

Eddie screams “Dave move that god damn panel van and let me out”

Dave replied “You’re not in Van Halen anymore. You aren’t the boss of me! You might have taken something of mine while you are in there.” And then Dave gets out and starts digging through Ed’s Olds.

He threw everything out of the backseat, including Wolfie, who was sitting in the back seat! About that time Alex Van Halen pulls up and sees Wolfie laying on the ground with a skinned knee and crying like a bitch!

Alex Yells “What in the tarnation is a goin’ on here? Ed’s here and he’s supposed to be gone, and I pull up and Wolfie’s got a skinned knee and crying like a bitch with Dave standing over him! And look at the mess you made of my brother’s car!

And then Alex fired Roth. Then he turned to Wolfgang and fires him for crying like a bitch over a skinned knee.

So Dave Grohl is in my office singing Nirvana songs to me. I get the call that all hell’s breakin’ loose. I need to get down there.
Dave says “We’ll take Foo Force One! My private jet!” So we hop on Foo Force one and by the time we get to the rehearsal space the only person there is Alex, and he’s packing up his drums.

“Hi AL McHumphry, I fired the rest of the band.”

I can see that. I’ve heard all about it..

Bart The Van Halen roadie

Bart The Van Halen roadie

Alex then said “It’s gonna get worse. I’m leaving Van Halen”

So here I am, Al McHumphry, Cock of the Walk at Warner Brothers Records, I have a Van Halen with no members of Van Halen…

Dave Grohl then said. Al McHumphry, don’t worry about it. I’ll make a few calls. We’ll put Van Halen back together.

Grohl: So what did he do? Dave’s known as a nice guy. He surely had some connections.

Al McHumphry: Yes he did!

First we needed a drummer. So we called Bun E. Carlos from Cheap Trick to play our drums. Then he got Tom Petersson of Cheap Trick to play bass. George Thorogood was fired and replaced with Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick on lead guitar. Then we needed a singer. Who does he come up with? Robin Zander, from the band Cheap trick. Only Dave Grohl could pull this off. Thanks to his “everyday guy demeanor” and lack of “sand in his vagina.”


The New Van Halen Line-up

The New Van Halen Line-up


So the new Van Halen Line up is
Robin Zander – Lead Vocals
Rick Nielsen – Lead Guitar
Tom Petersson – Bass Guitar
Bun E. Carlos – Drums

“The Next Van Halen album is gonna be the best one EVER!” Said Al McHumphry “The band is playing better than ever. They’ve been downloading the TAB for most of the “Old Van Halen” they can play Running With The Devil and Jump really good.”

“We can finally get some work done.”

The new lineup will release their new album Itchy Ankles in November and then a worldwide tour of county fairs.

Dave Grohl will be running the spotlight. It will turned around pointing at himself.


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6 thoughts on “ROTH is OUT! Alex Van Halen is Leaving the Band!

  1. I Think CheapHalen/VanTrick will rock! Is it true the new album will be ALL HEART COVERS except for that one Jefferson Starship tune(You know the one…)?


  2. This article sounded made up. I know they’ve had issues, but come on. Sounds like bullshit to me. No one else can be Van Halen but Van Halen, people! I call bullshit! I don’t believe their story one bit.


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