Saturday, June 27, 2015
Santa Barbra, CA
Ever want to play a concert in front of one- hundred-thousand screaming fans? What about living in a swank rock star mansion? Hang with Paul Stanley? Celebrities like Dave Grohl and Slash? Well… hear that knocking sound? It’s opportunity.
Gene Simmons will actually be selling you the rights to be Gene Simmons for a day.
Yes you’ve read it right. According to GeneSimmons.com Gene will be legally renting his identity for 12 hours daily.
According to the site, the package includes;
• The official “How to be Gene Simmons” manual, with cool pictures of Kiss in it.
• Face paint and stencil
• Axe shaped Cort Bass. Plus 5 minute in-depth bass instructional video by Gene
• Three (3) Hours of studio time to watch a studio musician record the bass parts to a new Kiss song written by Paul Stanley *Gene will be credited for any and all bass parts*
• Two (2) over the hill groupies to treat like shit
• A key to his Beverly Hills Mansion.
• One(1) argument and make up sex with Shannon Tweed
• A pair of really tall boots (size 7 ½)
• The opportunity to play an entire kiss concert with Paul Stanley and two other guys dressed up like Ace Frehley and Peter Criss *Venue and dates TBA
• One (1) Interview with E Online to spout Genes views on the death of rock music and how the fans have killed it. Script included.
• Two unused tickets to see his son’s band play.
• Five random Kiss fans who believe that because you are rich, that you must be a genius and an amazing musician.
• A tutorial on how to stay famous even though you peaked in the 1970’s
• A phone call from Dave Grohl telling YOU how much of an influence on Nirvana Kiss has been.
• A photo album of everyone Gene has had sex with.
• Gene’s wig
• A polystyrene tongue.
• Your choice of one(1) of the following box of albums from Gene’s garage; “the Elder”, “Unmasked”, or the last record Kiss released and no one bought.
• One (1) delusional idea that Gene is relevant.
The package will sell for three payments of 29.95 and if you are one of the first hundred thousand callers Gene will throw in an a brand new “Crazy Nights Tour” unsold T-shirt.
“The idea is to make money” Said Gene in a statement on his website. “Kiss is a brand, a product. I can sell any or all of it. It’s my right as a musical genius and rich person.”
When asked about how this will reflect on the credibility of the Kiss name, Simmons relied “You can’t sell credibility. No money in it. There is money in believing in myself and even more money for you believing you are me.
. Call me baby, I want you to be me! I’d kind of like to see what it is I do.”
“I have Ten Commandments that I live by. All Kiss fans around the world can be just like me if you do what I say. I’m the Moses of Rock N Roll
I. Screw You. I’m Rich.
II. I don’t have to know how to play very well to make a living at music. I sell more records than Victor Wooten and the late Jaco Pastorius combined, but they are the best bass players around. Worship him instead.
III. Suicide is wrong. I won’t tell you to “jump” instead I will LISTEN and realize there is more to life than rocking and rolling all night. I will have you call 1 (800) 273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I want you around to give me money. Please ask for help.
IV. Give to charity. Pick one. Any or all of them.
V. Buy a guitar, drums, Cort Axe Shaped Bass, keyboard, and someone who can half assed carry a tune, and keep Rock n Roll Music alive by making your OWN music. You may be the next Kiss.
VI. Screw Eddie Van Halen on behalf of bass players of all skill levels.
VII. Go to school. Online, on Campus. Just Go. In fact I’m going to link you to a FREE college. Fully accredited. An education can never be taken from you. www.uopeople.edu
VIII. Don’t kick yourself ever again. Talk to that girl.
IX. Demand more for your entertainment value. (This is where Kiss shines)
X. Call your Mom and tell her you love her.